Non-Fiction Series: A War Within Faith

The Experiment, Day 3



For the experiment, I’ve decided to start with the practice I’m least familiar with. The approach that I have the least faith in. If that’s even possible. 

As you’ve already learned, I used to have a strong faith in the power of prayer. I used to pray everyday. I even made a prayer list so that I could go back to prayers answered, and praise God when something came true; though, I have to admit that I only remember one time when that literally happened. To the best of my knowledge, all other prayers were more of the “in His time and in His way” variety. Hence, my waning faith.

So. Manifestation. On a whim, I went to this website that did online tarot readings. It was around four in the morning, and I hadn’t been sleeping well, so I needed something new besides binge watching something random on Netflix to occupy my time. On a second whim, after getting my tarot card reading, I decided to sign up for an “in depth look into my future.” That’s when I got emails about manifestation. 

According to this process (a four day one to be exact), I have to decide what I really want. In detail. With extreme focus and purpose. Leaving nothing to chance. Believing fully in what the universe will yield to me. My brain is telling me this is all a crock of shit, but, hey, I took a big hit this summer, so I need to dive into something completely alien to try and feel something other than guilt and overwhelming, crushing sadness.

So here goes, here’s what I want my life to look like in five years’ time:

I want to own a house. Not one that I live in permanently, but one that I can fall back on if I really need to. Or one that my family can rely on in a time of need. I’d prefer that house to be the one I grew up in as a kid. I want to be free financially and geographically. Meaning, I want to have enough money to be financially independent, so that my husband and I can do freelance work that we love (e.g. photography, art, writing, music, etc.) without the fear of bills and timetables and inflexible schedules. I want to be able to travel while doing these things, and I want a good part of that travel to be devoted to charity work. I don’t want fame or extreme wealth. I just want to know that my husband and I will be covered to live our lives comfortably, to be able to retire early and give back in every possible way using the talents we enjoy for ourselves and others. I want my family to be safe, happy and at peace. I want us to communicate more frequently, cross over into each other’s extended families and lean on each other. 

That is the general picture of where I’d like to be. In list form it looks like this:

  1. I want my brother and sister to be happily married, financially stable and secure in God’s peace. 
  2. I want my nephew to heal and find peace, my younger niece to gain confidence in herself while finding her path and my older niece to find balance and trust in herself and God.
  3. I want to be able to buy our family home without going into extreme debt from which I cannot recover. I want to be able to use this house to help my family financially. 
  4. I want my family to be united in spirit and love. All of them. 
  5. I want my husband and I to be financially independent so that we can pursue the things we love in order to make a positive difference in the world, however big or small.
  6. I want my husband to know God and be with me in heaven someday. 
  7. I want Zadie Smith to be my writing mentor. 
  8. I want to become skilled enough in music to produce my own songs. Limelight and fame not necessary.
  9. I want to write professionally full-time in whatever capacity, so long as it is challenging and gives me pleasure. Limelight and fame not necessary. 
  10. I want to pass my final exam and gain my Master’s Degree in Applied Linguistics. 


So there it is in all of its soul-crushing, embarrassing honesty. I want all of these things while simultaneously knowing that I doubt everything. I doubt the actuality of manifestation and what it promises. I doubt God, His power, His interest in me and what I want, and even sometimes His existence. I doubt myself and the things I am capable of doing, learning or overcoming. This will really be an uphill battle for me, but I will open myself up to the possibility that I am wrong to doubt, and I will prepare my mind to handle the disappointment as best as possible if I am right. We’ll see how it goes. 

So for the next several days, I will go through this manifestation process to see what happens. Will my dreams come true? More manifestation to come tomorrow. Until next time. 

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